Post #11 - My Bloody Valentine

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2009 Release
Directed by: Patrick Lussier
Written by: Todd Farmer & Zane Smith
Starring : Jensen Ackles, Jamie King & Kerr Smith

Ok, this one is gonna make me angry so beware. I made Christian watch this one with me and I am pretty sure he was really pist afterwards as well. I tried to rewatch this once and I couldn't - that's a really bad sign. I think you can tell that I will rewatch some real shit over and over again, so that tells you just how much I HATED this movie.

First of all, this movie looks like it was filmed on a fucking Flip, or like a Lifetime movie from 1984. Now, I didn't see it in 3D but I can guaran-fucking-tee you it didn't help. There are tons of cheesy pop out "scares" that when viewed non-3D just look fucking stupid. The story is atrocious. The acting is unforgiveable and everyone involved with this movie should have to suffer through hard labor for at least 6 months as penance. I know this movie is based on a 1981 classic which I did not see, so I admit I am a fucking moron. I can't even go into what happens in this movie because it will give me high blood pressure so I am just going to say don't waste your fucking time. Pulling out your eye lashes one by one or sticking various body parts in pots of boiling water would be more pleasant than watching this piece of garbage.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
This movie beyond sucked and wasn't worth the goddamn rental. Avoid it at all costs.

Post #10 - Ghost Ship

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2002 Release
Directed by: Steve Beck
Written by: Mark Hanlon & John Pogue
Starring: Julianna Marguiles, Gabriel Byrne & Ron Eldard

I have never seen the official poster for this movie and I started laughing when I saw "Sea Evil", good god that's so bad. It should say "See Shit" because that's what you are gonna do when you watch this movie.

I really like the beginning of this movie... It's the early 60's and an Italian luxury cruise ship is hosting a lavish party for its guests. There's champagne, live music, dancing and a sexy lady singing at the mic. There is a lonely looking little girl sitting on deck, she appears to be the only child on board and is clearly bored at the adult party. The friendly captain offers her a dance and she happily accepts. They are on the dance floor when the devastation starts. Someone cuts one of the cables that is stretched across the ship and it whips across the deck like a blade and cuts the dancers in half. At first they are all standing there wondering what the fuck just happened, and then they all start to fall apart. Body parts are sliding all over the place and its so ridiculous. The little girl is spared because she was short and the wired missed her. She is still holding onto the captain when he drops to the floor in 2 pieces. He was hit in the face so the top of his head falls off as he's looking down at her. It's so awesome.

Then the movie goes to shit town. It cuts to present day on the deck of a salvage ship captained by Sean Murphy (Byrne). While celebrating the successful salvaging of a ship they are approached by a mysterious man who wants to hire them to find and bring to port the ill fated luxury liner, Antonia Graza, floating across the Bering Sea. The captain reluctantly takes the job knowing that the Antonia Graza is supposedly haunted and the crew sets off to find her. As soon as they arrive at the ship strange things start happening...surprise surprise. This movie sucks, it's really really bad and boring. The mysterious stranger who hires the crew turns out to be the ghost of the original group of bandits who killed everyone on board back in the 60's trying to steal gold from the ship. It's so stupid and unfortunately some of the characters live. And what is with Gabriel Byrne? Why the hell was he in this piece of CRAP? And why the hell was he in Stigmata? Does this guy have a hard on for really bad horror movies? And he's terrible in both of them. I don't get it. Listen don't see this movie, or rather don't watch anything past the opening scene on the boat because it just sucks from that point on.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

I personally loved the opening of this movie and was psyched to watch it through but every scene after the opening sucks and is borderline painful to watch. The characters are stupid and typical and I don't think there are any cool death scenes after the beginning. I feel deceived when a movie has a cool opening and then goes to shit. I feel like I was duped into thinking I would be enjoying an entertaining movie. I am bitter, very very bitter.

Post #9 - Gothika

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2003 Release
Directed by: Mathieu Kassovitz
Written by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Starring: Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz & Robert Downey Jr.

Ok so looking at the stars in this movie you are probably thinking to yourself, wow this movie is loaded with big names so its gotta be decent, right? You have Halle Berry = Oscar Winner, Penelope Cruz = Oscar Winner, and Robert Downey Jr. = 2 Time Oscar Nominated. Well, apparently this trio left their better judgement at home the day they agreed to be in this CRAPPY movie.

Berry plays Dr. Miranda Grey, a brilliant psychiatrist at a women's criminal mental institution. She's married to the head of the institution, Dr. Douglas Grey, and the 2 appear to have the perfect marriage. That is until Miranda wakes up as a patient in the mental institution accused of brutally murdering her husband in their perfect suburban home. She has no recollection of the events and has the words "Not Alone" are carved into her arm. Believing herself incapable of murdering her husband she escapes the institution and tries to unravel the mystery of who killed her husband and why.

Berry is really annoying in this entire movie and always crying or looking helpless and you just want to smack her a few times. Cruz plays a patient at the facility who is crazy and claims she's being attacked by a demon in her cell. She is completely wasted and useless in this movie. Downey plays another psychiatrist at the institution who has a crush on Miranda and he's pretty annoying as well. He tries to help Miranda remember the evening when her husband was killed and it gets all serious and stupid. Eventually, Miranda starts to figure out what happened and its lame. She has visions of a dead girl who directs her to her husband's country house where she discovers he was a sick bastard and tortured to death the girl from her visions. That part was actually pretty fucked up and violent. It seemed unnecessary and pist me off. SO yay Miranda figures out that she did in fact butcher her husband but she was possessed by the spirit of the dead girl at the time. Surely the courts will understand right? But its not over yet because her husband had a buddy. It gets all dramatic and she discovers her husband's best friend, one of the cops who arrested her, was involved in the murders and he tries to kill her in the police station. I can't really remember the details because it was so stupid but she somehow sets the dude on fire and he dies. I think it just ends after that, oh and the significance of the carved words in her arm was that her husband was not alone in being a despicable human being. Isn't that such a happy story? Going back and reading this I feel like a fucking creep for watching this movie so many times. But I will defend myself in saying that I typically only watch the first 30 minutes and nothing of any interest happens.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

I should give this a 1 but I can't for some reason. It's really stupid and not a good movie but something in me is compelled to give it a 2. It might just be the fact that I watched this so many times. Christian also hated this movie and gets angry whenever he sees me watching it so I think that also warrants a 2.

Post #8 - They

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2002 Release
Directed by: Robert Harmon
Written by: Brendan Hood
Starring: Laura Regan, Marc Blucas & Ethan Embry

Wes Wes Wes...They...?

While this movie is plot wise very different from Dead Silence it does share one HUGE problem...Laura Regan and her goddamn hair style again. What's with this chick? Look at this picture, what is that? While I will admit it's much worse in Dead Silence, it's still inexcusable. Is she just every hair stylist nightmare or something? Get it...nightmare...nevermind.

So here we have the story of Julia Lund (Regan aka "ugly head") who begins to suffer from childhood night terrors after witnessing the suicide of a friend, Billy. Billy claimed he was being stalked by demons from his nightmares and his only salvation was suicide. She meets Billy's friends at the funeral who also claim to be experiencing extreme nightmares.

Julia is a pschology student...of course, all crazy chicks are into psychology, and is about to give her graduate dissertation when the night terrors return. She's dating this total goodie-2-shoes who is her Mr. Perfect and makes me gag in every scene. A whole bunch of stupid shit happens and Billy's friends begin to disappear. They are all marked by the demons who insert some sort of weird looking tooth pick under their skin leaving a wound that never heals. The most disturbing thing in this garbage movie was the scene where this one chick is picking her mark and its all purple and open and infected looking...she eats in a swimming pool locker room later.

Julia starts to lose her shit and blah blah blah. I have seen this movie a bunch of times because I enjoy wasting hours of my life away on movies I loathe and I still have no idea exactly what happens in the end. Julia ends up in her closet which is now like a huge black cave and these rubber bandy monsters are coming for her...I think she's a goner at the end but I really can't remember. I was too distracted by the way her stupid hair looked that I couldn't focus on the plot. This movie so melodramatic and serious it's criminal.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:This movie is really bad but because of the sheer numbers of times I have sat through it, I can't give it a 1, I feel it would be wrong of me. So, I will settle with a 2...it's really boring and you just want everyone to die and they do.

Post #7 - Dead Silence

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2007 Release
Directed by: James Wan
Written by: Leigh Whannell & James Wan
Starring: Ryan Kwanten, Amber Valletta & Donnie Wahlberg

You will notice I am including stills from the movie in this review because I feel that everyone in this movie looked really shitty and I wanted to support this opinion with photographic evidence. I don't know what the problem was exactly, but everyone just looked really crappy and kinda dirty.

Any horror movie starring either of the Wahlberg brothers is definitely going to be a treat, especially when there are evil puppets involved! This is the tale of Jamie Ashen (Kwanten) who returns to his home town to bury his wife Lisa who was brutally murdered. Just before Lisa was murdered a mysterious package arrived containing Billy - a ventriloquist puppet from their past.

Before I go any further I must vent about something... I ABSOLUTELY hated Lisa's hair cut - it bothered me more than anything else in this movie. She looked like an anorexic 9 year old boy to start with, and had a Beatles meets 80's nerd hair cut. I offer this picture as proof. I realize she is only in the movie briefly but what the fuck? Who ok'ed this hair style? How am I supposed to give a shit about this twat when every time I look at her, all I want is to see her killed!!! She does die violently, so that makes me feel alittle better I guess.

Ok, moving on...Ashen returns home and argues with his estranged dad whose dying from like mad cow disease or advanced leprosy or something. Wahlberg plays Detective Lipton, a gruffy hard nosed cop who believes Ashen murdered his wife and sets out to prove it. I am pretty sure he wears the same outfit in every scene and looks like he just rolled out of bed. Clearly there wasn't enough money in the budget for Lisa to get a decent hair cut or a different tie for Det. Lipton. Lipton begins to follow and harass Ashen and overall act like a douche bag. I love how serious Wahlberg is in the movie, like he's trying for an Oscar on this one. Didn't anyone tell him he was in a movie about a murderous puppet? Seriously Donny, thanks for trying but you are ridiciulous.

Anyway, Ashen begins to suspect that the puppet Billy is responsible for his wife's death and decides to investigate on his own. This Mary Shaw bitch who owned Billy was a local ventriloquist who went crazy and is murdered by a bunch of locals who accused her of murdering a child. Out for revenge from the dead, Shaw uses her collection of puppets to carry out her deathly deeds. Whatever... that's the story and don't worry abouth the ending it doesn't matter...what's most important is how stupid this movie is, I loved it. I have watched this movie so many times because it allows me to focus on something and turn off my brain completely, there is literally no reason to think at any point in this movie and I appreciate that.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

I can't give this movie a 5 because of Lisa's hair cut, I just can't. It bothered me that much. I have seen her in another equally terrible movie and her hair sucked in that movie too.

Post #6 - Mirrors

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Written by: Alexandre Aja, Gregory Levasseur
Starring: Keifer Sutherland, Paula Patton & Amy Smart

Goodie goodie goodie! I am SUPER excited to finally review this movie because I am pretty sure I could recite every line of dialogue. I have watched this movie at least 20 times. Why? Let me explain....I am a Keifer Sutherland fan and appreciate his ability to be insanely intense about nothing and I love the way this movie uses that. It also tries WAY too hard to be a good movie and I love the fact that Christian was really angry after watching it and wanted his 2 hours back.

Anyway, Sutherland plays Ben Carson, an alcoholic cop suspended from the force for unnecessarily shooting a man to death while on the job. He is estranged from his wife, Amy (Patton), a forensic pathologist and mother of their 2 children, and is desperately trying to win her trust & confidence back. He takes a night shift security guard job at the old Mayflower Department Store which was abandoned after a destructive fire years prior. Almost immediately strange things start happening while Ben patrols the building - What's could it be? I can't wait to find out! He hears a woman screaming and tries to find her (yes he is screaming), when he can't locate her he looks in the mirrors and is then able to see a charred up woman on the floor screaming. Of course her breasts exposed. Who doesn't love a pair of burnt up charred titties? Later he peers into a mirror and his reflection is set on fire and he starts screaming and writhing on the floor and it's really hilarious. He becomes obsessed with figuring out what's behind the strange events at the Mayflower. Doesn't sound like a bad plot so far, right? Well, I love it because the way its played out is so stupid. In literally every scene Ben is boiling over with intensity and screaming about something, it's unnecessary and hysterical.

Eventually the evil in the mirrors of the Mayflower starts to appear in his home and his younger sister is murdered by her mirror double mirror image in a pretty stupid way. I guess you could die from having your jaw ripped off ? It looked goofy.

Using his police background, he pieces together the random clues and finds out that the Mayflower used to be a hospital. The mystery name "ESSEKER" keeps appearing to him and he's able to dig up records revealing a young schizophrenic girl by the name of Esseker was admitted to the hospital and was falsely reported - BUT WHY? She received a form of treatment whereby she was forced to sit in a room of mirrors to face her inner demons and it works - that's good right? The meanies in her head were forced out of her mind and into the mirrors of the building. Even after the building is remodeled the demons still inhabit the mirrors and have been searching for Esseker ever since. So that's what all the hub bub was about?!

All this random stuff happens; one of the kids disappears into the floor, Amy's mirror image tries to kill the daughter with scissors, and Ben kidnaps Esseker so she can face her demons in the mirrors again to save his family. I should proabably provide more details but all you need to know is the Sutherland is angry alot, veins in his head are popping out everywhere and he does alot screaming. He is able to save his family but.....there is a price. He must live eternity in the reflection of his life, never able to return to the his family...instead he watches from the inside. THAT IS SOME PRETTY HEAVY SHIT PEOPLE! It's a master piece....

SO having said all that, I give this movie:It's a gem, gotta give it a 5! There is absolutely nothing about this movie I would change. There is plenty of crazy screaming, just enough gore, stupid dialogue and a nun running around on the ceiling. See it, be it, love it.

Post #5 - The Lodger

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2009 Release
Directed by: David Ondaatje
Written by: David Ondaatje, Marie Belloc Lowndes
Starring: Alfred Molina, Hope Davis, and Shane West

I always get a little bit sad when I see really good actors trying to make a piece of shit movie something people would want to watch. I personally liked this movie because its so ridiculously convoluted and tried to smash 2 plot lines into 1 coherent story.

Story Line #1: Detective Manning (Molina) and his young spry partner Street Wilkenson (West) are hunting a serial killer in Hollywood who is targeting and murdering prostitutes Jack the Ripper style. Manning realizes quickly that the murders perfectly mimic a string of murders from a few years ago -the suspect in those crimes having been found guilty and executed. Did they make a booboo and fry the wrong guy? Or is Manning the killer?

Story Line #2: An mentally unstable wife and mother, Ellen (Davis), is trying to keep her shit together so her husband doesn't realize she's taking a walk back down Schizophrenia Lane. At the same time a mysterious and handsome man appears at her door requesting to rent out an apartment in the back of their house. Could this strangers appearance have anything to do with the murders?

I thought this movie was unnecessarily gory. The acting was pretty terrible given the cast. And I was disappointed in the ending twist. I think writing this review is making me depressed because it maybe could have been a good movie.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

This movie could have been good but wasn't a complete piece of junk so I am somewhat reluctantly giving it a 2 hook. A part of me wants to give it a 3 and another part a 1 so I guess this is a good compromise. I guess I recommend it in a weird way, it was at least kinda different.