Saturday, July 23, 2011

Post #28: The Resident

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2011 Release
Directed by: Antii Jokinen
Written by: Antii Jokinen, Robert Orr
Starring: Hilary Swank, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, & Lee Pace

OH BOY. Ok, I should have been prepared for this when I could only find this movie from online rental from Blockbuster. This won't be a long review since this movie was simple and STUPID. Juliet (Swank) moves into an apartment for rent from Max (Morgan) after breaking up with her boyfriend when he cheats on her (BORING!). This seems alittle odd from the beginning because it's a large and beautiful apartment for cheap, but Max seems nice enough - the lonely, takes care of his ailing uncle, landlord type. Shortly after moving in odd things start to happen and Juliet just can't seem to settle in. She seems to possibly have a small crush on Max but he doesn't seem receptive to her advances - that's when the movie rewinds and we see everything from Max's perspective.

We learn that he first saw Juliet at the hospital where she worked and found out she was looking for an apartment. He contacts her about an availability and after she moves in he starts watching her through the mirrors and the walls. He's a total creep, often taking care of business while watching her take a bath. He is completely obsessed with her and his non-interest is in take shock when she shows interest. After another date the 2 start to get it on but Juliet still isn't over her ex and can't go through with it. Max leaves dejected but hopeful she will come around. In the meantime Juliet's ex is back in the picture and Juliet quickly loses interest in Max as she reunites with her ex.

So now Max is insane with jealously and starts to go into her bedroom at night and drug her so he can do shit to her. I started getting really pist off at this point. Juliet installs a camera to watch her at night since she suspects something is going on. Max kills her ex but who really cares?! Juliet figures out what Max has been doing to her at night, shows up at her apartment and they fight. Juliet shoots nails into his head.
UGH. I hated this movie. It was so boring, and I do not recommend it at all.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:


Post #27: The Last Exorcism

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2010 Release
Directed by: Daniel Stamm
Written by: Huck Botko, Andrew Gurland
Starring: Patrick Fabian, Ashley Bell & Iris Bahr

So I was super, yes super, exited to watch this. I rented it at least once from Blockbuster and checked both Fios and Netflix on demand constantly for and finally, there it was. So, last night I curled up in bed with Lola, AC blasting me in the face, hit the closed captioning button, lowered the volume all the way and set up shop. I am not really sure why I was adamant that I would not watch this with any volume, but I am 100% positive it didn't impact my final grade.

As a complete sucker for hand held camera shot movies I was pleasantly surprised to find that The Last Exorcism was a documentary (based on true events - uh yeah ok) following Reverend Cotton Marcus as he travels to a rural Louisiana town to perform an exorcism on a young girl names Nell.

The story opens and we get to know Reverence Cotton and his family. Born the son of a local preacher, Cotton also became a preacher as a child and somewhat of a local celebrity. Cotton and his father routinely perform exorcisms on churchgoers convinced they are possessed by the devil. As we get to know Cotton more we learn that he is not a religious man but rather an entertainer and his stage happens to be a pulpit. He performs the exorcisms as extra income to supplement his church salary to care for his wife and child, but decides to expose the fraud that exorcisms really are after the death of a child during an exorcism. Hence the film crew...

Ok so, Cotton travels with the crew to a remote town in a poor farming area of Louisiana and meets the Sweetzer family. Following the death of Nell's mother, her father Louis had become a devout man and was extremely protective of his daughter, pulling her out of Sunday school when he discovered they were playing non-religious music during their classes (clearly a nut). Cotton is constantly mocking the family behind their backs to the camera which I guess was supposed to be entertaining but it really wasn't. Her brother Caleb is a red neck little shit with ironically enough red hair (no he's not a Weasley).

So Cotton pretends to give a shit, pretends that the interview questions he is asking mean anything and sets up Nell's bedroom with all the bells and whistles he needs to convince the family he is actually doing something. I actually found this part mindly interesting because I bet the things he set up are really used by these wackos. Yadda yadda yadda and now time for the exorcism. It is a success and by that I mean the family is convinced that he did something and pulled a demon out from inside Nell.

They leave the house and spend the night at a hotel where Nell mysteriously shows up in the night in some sort of trance. They bring her back to the farm and that's when shit gets heavy. She apparently is possessed by some sort of demon and is acting all creepy and typical. Louis and Caleb have to leave the farm after Nell takes a box cutter or some shit to Caleb's face. Nell is running around the farm and scaring everyone, and its totally boring. Cotton asks the local preacher to come and help trying to convince Louis to take Nell to a hospital, but come on! They don't have demon antidote at the hospital, DUH.
Other shit happens and Cotton plus the crew leave the farm, then they go back I forget why and find the house empty and covered in satanic writing an symbols. They find a picture that Nell drew of all three of them dead. They hear Nell screaming, and run out to the fields. Nell is being held captive by the local preacher and some other fucking idiots and this fat midget woman is giving Nell was looks like a pap smear. They are chanting and in cloaks in front of a fire and then the hobbit woman pulls alittle baby demon (oh yeah Nell was preggo) out of Nell and throw it in the fire.


Then Cotton runs out into the field to help Nell and is thrown in the fire (yes this is how he died in the picture), then the other members of the crew are running through the woods and one gets her head cut off (yes like in the picture) and finally the camera man has this throat slit (GEE yes just like the picture). END MOVIE.

I was so angry after watching this, it totally ruined my happy horror vibe. I actually had like 5% high expectations for this movie and I was so disappointed. This was not a bad good movie, this was just a bad movie. It took itself way too seriously, did nothing new, and had the stupidest ending ever. I am pretty sure they were running out of tape or memory on the camera and just decided to end the movie with a random ending. I was so mad. Don't watch this movie, don't even talk about it and after you read this wipe it from your memory and never think of it again. I HATED IT!

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
I wish I could give this a negative hook.