Saturday, July 23, 2011

Post #28: The Resident

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2011 Release
Directed by: Antii Jokinen
Written by: Antii Jokinen, Robert Orr
Starring: Hilary Swank, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, & Lee Pace

OH BOY. Ok, I should have been prepared for this when I could only find this movie from online rental from Blockbuster. This won't be a long review since this movie was simple and STUPID. Juliet (Swank) moves into an apartment for rent from Max (Morgan) after breaking up with her boyfriend when he cheats on her (BORING!). This seems alittle odd from the beginning because it's a large and beautiful apartment for cheap, but Max seems nice enough - the lonely, takes care of his ailing uncle, landlord type. Shortly after moving in odd things start to happen and Juliet just can't seem to settle in. She seems to possibly have a small crush on Max but he doesn't seem receptive to her advances - that's when the movie rewinds and we see everything from Max's perspective.

We learn that he first saw Juliet at the hospital where she worked and found out she was looking for an apartment. He contacts her about an availability and after she moves in he starts watching her through the mirrors and the walls. He's a total creep, often taking care of business while watching her take a bath. He is completely obsessed with her and his non-interest is in take shock when she shows interest. After another date the 2 start to get it on but Juliet still isn't over her ex and can't go through with it. Max leaves dejected but hopeful she will come around. In the meantime Juliet's ex is back in the picture and Juliet quickly loses interest in Max as she reunites with her ex.

So now Max is insane with jealously and starts to go into her bedroom at night and drug her so he can do shit to her. I started getting really pist off at this point. Juliet installs a camera to watch her at night since she suspects something is going on. Max kills her ex but who really cares?! Juliet figures out what Max has been doing to her at night, shows up at her apartment and they fight. Juliet shoots nails into his head.
UGH. I hated this movie. It was so boring, and I do not recommend it at all.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:


Post #27: The Last Exorcism

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2010 Release
Directed by: Daniel Stamm
Written by: Huck Botko, Andrew Gurland
Starring: Patrick Fabian, Ashley Bell & Iris Bahr

So I was super, yes super, exited to watch this. I rented it at least once from Blockbuster and checked both Fios and Netflix on demand constantly for and finally, there it was. So, last night I curled up in bed with Lola, AC blasting me in the face, hit the closed captioning button, lowered the volume all the way and set up shop. I am not really sure why I was adamant that I would not watch this with any volume, but I am 100% positive it didn't impact my final grade.

As a complete sucker for hand held camera shot movies I was pleasantly surprised to find that The Last Exorcism was a documentary (based on true events - uh yeah ok) following Reverend Cotton Marcus as he travels to a rural Louisiana town to perform an exorcism on a young girl names Nell.

The story opens and we get to know Reverence Cotton and his family. Born the son of a local preacher, Cotton also became a preacher as a child and somewhat of a local celebrity. Cotton and his father routinely perform exorcisms on churchgoers convinced they are possessed by the devil. As we get to know Cotton more we learn that he is not a religious man but rather an entertainer and his stage happens to be a pulpit. He performs the exorcisms as extra income to supplement his church salary to care for his wife and child, but decides to expose the fraud that exorcisms really are after the death of a child during an exorcism. Hence the film crew...

Ok so, Cotton travels with the crew to a remote town in a poor farming area of Louisiana and meets the Sweetzer family. Following the death of Nell's mother, her father Louis had become a devout man and was extremely protective of his daughter, pulling her out of Sunday school when he discovered they were playing non-religious music during their classes (clearly a nut). Cotton is constantly mocking the family behind their backs to the camera which I guess was supposed to be entertaining but it really wasn't. Her brother Caleb is a red neck little shit with ironically enough red hair (no he's not a Weasley).

So Cotton pretends to give a shit, pretends that the interview questions he is asking mean anything and sets up Nell's bedroom with all the bells and whistles he needs to convince the family he is actually doing something. I actually found this part mindly interesting because I bet the things he set up are really used by these wackos. Yadda yadda yadda and now time for the exorcism. It is a success and by that I mean the family is convinced that he did something and pulled a demon out from inside Nell.

They leave the house and spend the night at a hotel where Nell mysteriously shows up in the night in some sort of trance. They bring her back to the farm and that's when shit gets heavy. She apparently is possessed by some sort of demon and is acting all creepy and typical. Louis and Caleb have to leave the farm after Nell takes a box cutter or some shit to Caleb's face. Nell is running around the farm and scaring everyone, and its totally boring. Cotton asks the local preacher to come and help trying to convince Louis to take Nell to a hospital, but come on! They don't have demon antidote at the hospital, DUH.
Other shit happens and Cotton plus the crew leave the farm, then they go back I forget why and find the house empty and covered in satanic writing an symbols. They find a picture that Nell drew of all three of them dead. They hear Nell screaming, and run out to the fields. Nell is being held captive by the local preacher and some other fucking idiots and this fat midget woman is giving Nell was looks like a pap smear. They are chanting and in cloaks in front of a fire and then the hobbit woman pulls alittle baby demon (oh yeah Nell was preggo) out of Nell and throw it in the fire.


Then Cotton runs out into the field to help Nell and is thrown in the fire (yes this is how he died in the picture), then the other members of the crew are running through the woods and one gets her head cut off (yes like in the picture) and finally the camera man has this throat slit (GEE yes just like the picture). END MOVIE.

I was so angry after watching this, it totally ruined my happy horror vibe. I actually had like 5% high expectations for this movie and I was so disappointed. This was not a bad good movie, this was just a bad movie. It took itself way too seriously, did nothing new, and had the stupidest ending ever. I am pretty sure they were running out of tape or memory on the camera and just decided to end the movie with a random ending. I was so mad. Don't watch this movie, don't even talk about it and after you read this wipe it from your memory and never think of it again. I HATED IT!

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
I wish I could give this a negative hook.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Post #26 -The Possession of David O'Reilly

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: Andrew Cull & Steven Isles
Written by: Andrew Cull
Starring: Giles Anderson, Francesca Fowler & Paul McGuinness

This is a tough one for me to review because I am not really sure how I feel about it. In one sense, I really liked it because it messes with your head for a good portion. But then it goes to Stupidville and does the one thing that drives me most nuts - show too much!

The story is pretty basic, David shows up at his friends', Alex and Anna, house late one evening having found evidence that his girlfriend is cheating on him. He's clearly upset and Alex comforts him through the night. As the evening progresses David starts to act strangely, very paranoid-like. He's looking through pictures of his girlfriend and starts to nod off, that's when things go wonky. David clearly doesn't want to fall asleep and makes sure to keep plenty of lights on around him, so you get a sense that he is being followed by someone. He's in the bathroom at one point and looks out the window and sees a figure walking backwards towards the house. It's covered in some sort of brown gunk and walking like a zombie - but uh backwards. David freaks out and locks all the windows, barricades the bathroom door and generally acts like a creeper. He forces himself to stay awake all night, and stands in the hallway outside of the apartment like a freak. So, at this point you know that David is either being haunted by something or a psycho....or maybe both!

So, the next day David is sort of a bum and falls asleep while Alex and Anna play video games all day long. Once it starts to get dark out he starts to freak out again and starts telling his friends about what's going on. Apparently it started with David just seeing things around him in the dark, nothing all that crazy and he tried to ignore them. Gradually the apparitions began to take form and come after him. He can only see them in the darkness and he is the only one who can see them. He draws disturbing images in his journal and Anna wants him to leave the apartment.

David's paranoia deepens and he starts carrying a knife around with him for protection. For the most part we don't see much, but then we get a full on glimpse of the creature lurking outside of the apartment. It looked like an obese man with half of his head melting off, it was completely ridiculous and ruined the suspense. BUMMER! I started to lose interest at this point because I didn't find porky pig all that scary.

Oddly enough, Alex starts to see strange images as well and starts to believe David's claim that something is after him. And I really can't remember/it doesn't fucking matter what happens next. Out of no where, the power goes out and David ends up in a locked room upstairs with the pregnant neighbor. It's dark and we can only see the light from his phone reflecting around the room. The pregnant lady somehow dies because I think he baby starts to eat her from the inside? I am not really sure, all the sudden there was lot of blood and she was screaming. There there was some sort of monster with weird arm mouths and David was screaming alot. Then all the sudden it's daylight and they are all back in the apartment freaking the fuck out. The whole day goes by and then its dark again and they are all freaking out again. These people are fucking idiots clearly. So, it's nighttime and David is totally ballistic at this point, Alex can sort of see the creatures and Anna is oblivious.

David accidently stabs Alex and kills him and then Anna strangles David to death with a plastic laundry bag after pretty much beating the crap out of him. She tries to escape the apartment building and everything goes black. Cut to the next morning where we see Anna's corpse in the hallway ripped up and bloody. The end.

Looking back this movie fucking sucked, it had absolutely no pacing, the creatures sucked and it all just really fell apart at the end. DOUCHE.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
I am giving this a 2 only because it takes place in England and I liked the actor's accents. Otherwise, a piece of crap.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Post #25 - The Eye

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: David Moreau & Xavier Palud
Written by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Starring: Jessica Alba, Alessandro Nivola & Parker Posey

I hate Jessica Alba, she sucks at life.

She's blind, then she's not, she's got a dead lady's eyes, she sees stuff, bad stuff happens, she solves a mystery, she goes blind again. WHO CARES!?

SO having said all that, I give this movie:This movie sucked. I wished I was blind so I didn't have to sit through it and look at Alba's dumb face!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Post #24 - Sam's Lake

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2006 Release
Directed by: Andrew C. Erin
Written by: Andrew C. Erin
Starring: Fay Masterson, Sandrine Holt & William Gregory Lee

Oh yes, Sam's Lake. What a treat! This is another one I had seen on Netflix for awhile and decided to give it a shot last night. I was pleasantly surprised at #1) the production value, I thought for sure this would be one of those movies I turned off because I hated the font in the opening credits, but its surprised me; #2) it had all the token characters a crappy movie needs - the flamboyant gay guy, the token black dude, the blonde with pig tails (but she didn't have big tits - ha!), the "hot" white guy, and the non-blonde - again signs to me of an entertaining flick; and #3) it takes place in the woods far away from civilization!

So the movie opens witch a boy escaping some sort of hospital and trekking through the woods to a house dark and quiet. He murders the family inside who we assume are his parents and siblings. Then it cuts to this horrible store set with the token gay, blond and black talking about how they were going away for the weekend with their friend Sam who is still grieving the loss of her father. Cut to the car where the troop stops at a local convenience store before heading deep into the woods. The local are of course semi-inbred looking and creepy, warning the group that it isn't safe to be heading into the woods this time of year - I love this shit! The group of course ignores the warning and continues on their journey. Once at the house the group settles in and are joined by the "hot" white guy who is a friend of Sam's from town. They have a bitchin' time swimming, sun bathing and sitting around the camp fire. They start telling scary stories and Sam tells the story of what happened in the house of the escaped boy. Apparently he was the bad seed and sent away by his parents as a child to live in a hospital deep in the woods. As a teenager he escaped the hospital and returned to the house where he murdered his family and hid in the woods for years. The townsfolk say he still haunts the woods, killing anyone he comes across.

so now everyone is all scared and they decide to head over the house to check it out and see if they can catch a glimpse of the killer. Inside the house they find a journal and are attacked by what they think is the ghost of the boy. Back at the cabin they read the journal which chronicles the crazed boys childhood in the woods. He eventually reenters society but no one recognizes his as the crazy murderous child. He marries a woman who gives birth to twins but she dies shortly after. The journal describes how the killer trained his children to hunt humans and how they would kill together. LIGHT BULB!

The killer mentions his daughter is names Sam and his son Jesse (aka "hot" white guy)! The group realizes their friend is the daughter of the killer and her friend is really her deranged brother. As if that weren't enough, we find out the kids killed their father but now believe him to believe alive and hunting them in the forest. This movie is so good!

So, one by one the siblings kill their friends with the exception of the brunette who Jesse took a fancy to. Sam won't allow Jesse to let the brunette live and just as he's about to kill her, guess who pops out of the shadow to beat the crap out of Jesse?! DADDY's HOME! The brunette escapes while the crazy siblings lured their dad outside, and they run around in the woods for awhile which was so stupid. Finally they corner their father who kills Jesse. Sam manages to kill her father and goes after brunette who cracks her in the head and Sam drowns. It ends with brunette calmly driving away from the cabin as if she just dropped off groceries at ole ma's house. She just realized her friend lured her up to the woods to be prey for a sick hunting expedition, saw her other friend's dead bodies, killed Sam and is now a-okay. So sweat off her back. WWWHHHHHAAATTTTT? See, that's why I love this movie.

On a side note, I sort of missed alot of what was going on in the movie because I was trying to figure out what other movie I had seen Sam in, I didn't realize til today it was The Man Without a Face with Mel Gibson. So if I had paid attention this movie might have sucked, but under the circumstances it was awesome!

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
Yes, this is SO a 5! It's crappy and stupid but not overly violent or gory and totally hysterical!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Post #23 - Quarantine

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: John Erick Dowdle
Written by: John Erick Dowdle & Drew Dowdle
Starring: Jennifer Carpenter, Steven Harris & Columbus Short

Ok, so I have now scene the Spanish version, Rec, and the US version Quarantine of this piece of shit. So, I think I have a very educated opinion in order to accurately review this.

The cover of this movie, left, is basically how I felt after wasting almost 2 hours of my life - WAHHHHHHHH! WHY?????

Ok, so both the English and Spanish versions are very similar so don't bother seeing either one.

I have to admit I was sort of psyched to see this movie. I think I am one of the few people who still enjoys the whole hand-held camera gimmick, so I was ready to like this one. It started off sort of slow, allowing us time to get to know the 2 main characters (one of which is behind the camer 99.9% of the time) - Angela (Carpenter) and Scott (Harris). She is a late night television reporter and he is her camera man. They are spending the night at a fire house to see what a typical night is like for the firemen. It's all pretty boring and blah blah until they get a call for a medical emergency at a local apartment building. Residents heard screaming coming from an old woman's apartment and call authorities to investigate. All of the residents of the building are standing around trying to figure out what's going on and the firemen enter the apartment and find the old lady standing in the living room, covered in blood and out of her mind. She attacks the men, critically injuring one and another falls over the railing from several floors up and dies. The residents are of course in a panic at this point and the police have no choice but to shoot and kill the old woman from the apartment. Things go bat shit crazy from here out, and we view all of it from the camera man's perspective. One by one the people start to go mad and attack each other, violently biting and mutilating each other.

I was really curious what the mysterious cause of all the sickness and death...I was so disappointed. FUCKING RABIES! Some wild form of rabies that acts very quickly and turns the people into zombie psycho killers.

Angela screams alot and we end up in the attic of the building where we discover the source of the outbreak. The man who had rented the room was apparently performing experiments and had several weird albino, gross underwear freaks living up there who eventually kill Angela and Scott, the last survivors. There were some scaring scenes but overall the ending was pretty disappointing and stupid.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:Had the big surprise disease not been rabies I would have probably given this a higher score because it was somewhat entertaining and scary up until that point. The hand held was alittle nauseating but I was into it at first at least, but overall the movie was DUMB.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Post #22 - The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2005 Release
Directed by: Scott Derrickson
Written by: Paul Harris Boardman & Scott Derrickson
Starring: Laura Linney, Tom Wilkinson & Shohreh Aghdashloo

I think I have already talked about my soft spot for horror movies with any sort of religious twist, well here is another example. I am not really sure what it is about these religious movies that I enjoy, maybe its the self-hating Catholic in me or something. Most of these movies are really crappy, but I did enjoy this one. It did have its mind numbing moments, but overall it was entertaining.

The movie centers around the trial of priest Father Moore (Wilkinson), represented by Erin Bruner (Linney), for the death of Emily Rose due to his negligence in advising her to terminate treatment for epilepsy. Father Moore stands by his decision claiming her ailments were due to a spiritual sickness and not a physical one.

Emily (Carpenter) is a down to earth country girl who leaves her family farm to attend college in the big city. Shortly after arriving at school strange things start to happen around her that ultimately lead to her untimely death. As the story unfolds according to Father Moore, Emily began to suffer hallucinations, bouts of paralysis, speaking in tongues, and self mutilation which he attributes to demonic possession. After medical treatment failed to ease her suffering, Moore prescribed an exorcism which apparently failed to cleanse Emily and left her weakened and on the brink of death. Eventually she does in fact die and according to the movie is considered by many to be a martyr and a saint.

Now, the story is somewhat interesting and I thought Carpenter was pretty good, along with everyone else. It definitely wasn't the most flattering or glamorous role as Emily so I appreciated Carpenter's humility. The movie does take itself alittle too seriously at points and the exorcism scenes did get alittle over the top and silly. Overall it was an entertaining flick and I would recommend it. It was actually sort of depressing look back at it. Damn it, I hate when that happens. Now I am all bummed out...

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
A solid movie which means it probably shouldn't be on this site, but I am sure alot of people hated it so its a wash.