Thursday, March 31, 2011

Big Thank You

I must take time to thank my friend Pete for the amazing illustration of Candyman holding a PUG he drew for me! I almost lost it at work when I opened it and was so sad there was no one at my stupid job I could share my utter joy with. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. Thanks Pete!!!!

Aleks, I know you are scared of the bees so just don't look at them.

Post #4 - The Queen of the Damned

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2002 Release
Directed by: Michael Rymer
Written by: Anne Rice, Scott Abbot & Michael Petroni
Starring: Aaliyah, Stuart Townsend, Marguerite Moreau

Oh boy, ok...
Many of the best actors out there today got their start through horrror movies, BUT anytime an established music artist enters the acting world via a horror movie...OUCH! They usually return to the music world fairly quickly hoping to leave the world of the silver screen behind them. Of course this wasn't Aaliyah's first rodeo having appeared in Romeo Must Die (....yup...).

This movie really aggrivated me. Nevermind the fact that the story was fucking stupid, but Lestat (Stuart Townsend = ew) becomes a famous vampire goth metal moron lead singer in a stupid vampire goth metal moron band? BARF. This movie is beyond cheesy, I wish there was a word to describe how offended I was by its lack of any taste or intelligence. There were probably a bunch of angst ridden 16 year old girls with black lip stick who thought Lestat was really hot and mysterious and wished he could come and rescue you them from their boring lives - INFURIATING!

I should mention at this point that I have only seen the first quarter of this movie I think...I hope.

Ok so enough about how ridiculously stupid the Lestat character is, I have bigger fish to fry - Aaliyah as the Queen Akasha - the Queen of Vampires and the Damned. TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PERFORMANCE. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.

I was thinking of going on and at least finding out what happens in this dog shit movie so I could relay it to you...but then I decided NO - this movie doesn't deserve to have its "plot" described to anyone. I have said all I am going to say about this crap.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

The poster above is enough to send me into a rage. I hated this movie, I hated Stuart Townsend's stupid face.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Post #3 - GameBox 1.0

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2004 Release
Directed by: David & Scott Hillenbrand
Written by: Worm Miller & Scott Casey
Starring: Nate Richert, Danielle Fishel, & Patrick Kilpatrick

This is going to be a really short review because I watched under 2 minutes of this piece of shit. I don't think I have ever seen a video game horror movie that wasn't absolutely awful, but this takes it to a whole new level. And YES, I can say that with full confidence after only 1 minute and 26 seconds of viewing.

The movie opens with the 4 quadrants of the screen showing a different scene. I especially liked the upper left of a set of hands holding a wired third party Xbox controller and pushing the buttons lifelessly. Then it cuts to a boy running down some sort of video game-ish looking hallway (by that I mean clearly CG and really cheesy and stupid) being chased by someone wearing a sun mask (it looked like he had half of a sun covering his face - what's so bad about that?). You can clearly tell they are running place and the graphics are so unbelievably bad that I couldn't even laugh at them, I was borderline offended. Then it cuts to the boy in bed, tossing and turning from the fright this apparently scary dream is causing him. It actually looks like he's having a grand mal seizure but I didn't wait to find out because I turned it off.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:I couldn't watch this movie. It gave me this really creepy feeling that something was wrong with me if I continued watching. 1 hook, whatever, it sucked.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Post #2 - Nine Lives

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2002 Release
Directed by: Andrew Green
Written by: Andrew Green & Tom MacRae
Starring: Rosie Fellner, Vivienne Harvey & Paris Hilton

I realize the I was completely asking for it when I selected a movie off Netflix starring Paris Hilton (especially having experienced her acting prowess already in the absolute cinematic gem House of Wax), but I guess I couldn't help myself, seeing her killed once wasn't enough.

Ok, first of all...I was instantly aggrivated because it was not widescreen (yes I realize how insane I sound saying that) and the font used for the opening credits was so cheesy and instantly pist me off. All of the "e's" were drawn in a "super creepy way", yeah like backwards 9's...not a good sign. It looked like it had been filmed in the 1970's and clearly they couldn't afford any lighting for the set because every scene was too dark and blurry. I think that actually helped because you couldn't really see what was going on. I am also pretty sure Paris Hilton had no idea they were filming a movie and thought she really was off for a vacation with friends at a Scottish mansion. The "characters" who were supposed to be Scottish had such thick accents and I couldn't really understand the drivel they were saying - again probably a good thing. At the 12 minute mark I was ready for someone, anyone, anything to die! But all they were doing was TALKING! At the 18 minute mark I couldn't stand the horrendous "dialogue" any longer and lack of ANYTHING happening so I turned it off and gave it the lowest ratingon Netflix - take that Nine Lives!

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

I refused to give anything 0 hooks because I was the moron who took the time to watch the piece of junk, so I deserve the shame of this single hook. I wear it like a scarlet letter of shame and hope to be stoned on the street for my stupidity.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Post #1 - Nature's Grave

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release -remake of 1978 "Long Weekend"
Directed by: Jamie Blanks
Written by: Everette De Roche
Starring: Claudia Karyan, Star and Robert Taylor
Listed as rest of cast: James Caviezel

First thing I want to say is that I find it hysterical that lists Claudia Karyan (Carla), Star (Cricket - the dog), and Robert Taylor (on the screen for less than 5 minutes) as the stars but James Caviezel as "rest of cast". After watching the movie I can see why Caviezel wouldn't even want to be credited, let alone listed as a star.

What can I say about this movie other than I loved it because it was so unbelievably terrible! Caviezel plays Peter, or as pronounced with an Australian accent - PETAH - an American sleezeball (ie. wears douche bag sunglasses, has highlights and has one to many butttons unbuttoned on his shirt) married to Australian Carla who is a typical annoying, frigid wife. PETAH's true love in life is his border collie Cricket who his wife surprise surprise can't stand. That basically summarizes them in detail.

PETAH and Carla's marriage is in serious trouble so what better to repair those deep seeded wounds than a weekend in the fly infested Australian outback? After a long night of driving PETAH stops at a bar on the way where the patrons and bartender of course never heard of the beach. PETAH confident in himself, ventures onward. The couple has trouble finding the beach in the darkness and spend the night in their car. However, they awake the next morning and ALAS they are at the beach, who knew? Friends who were supposed to meet them never make it to the beach which is just as well because I couldn't handle anymore of these expertly crafted characters.

The beach is beautiful and secluded, and PETAH's attempt to get some action out of Carla fails miserably but we don't know why...a secret twist maybe?

At some point there is a rotten chicken, a rifle and a spear gun introduced to the mix.

The couple spends time on the beach swimming and basking in the sun until a large black mass in the water attempts to kill PETAH as he swims. Their solution - kill it! Quickly, this apparently blissful vacation turns to shit. The camp site quickly becomes infested with flies, ants and creepy insects and Carla's solution is to kill everything in sight with a can of death spray - yet another offense against nature. Carla hears noises during the night like a baby crying but of course PETAH doesn't believe her because she's fucking nuts. Then a mysterious baby wallus/seal/manitee/thing washes up on shore on the beach with a plastic bag around its neck - further proof of the destructive force of man. Then the next day the MAMA wallus/seal/manitee/thing shows up dead on the beach shot to death by PETAH's rifle the day earlier. Carla of course freaks out and wants to leave, but PETAH thinks everything is A-OK and wants to stay. He is then attacked by a large bird leaving him covered in really bad ass scrapes for no apparent reason. Speaking of birds, they find an egg on the ground and when Carla smashes it in a moment of anger we find out the big mystery of their relationship! PETAH begins to weep at the smashing of the egg because everything Carla touches turns to death, including the child she conceived with PETAH's friend! Raging and out of her stupid mind Carla tells PETAH that Cricket is dead so he won't look for her because she wants to leave because she is clearly very impatient. Don't worry, we soon discover she lied and Cricket is chilling on the beach with the MAMA dead wallus/seal/manitee/thing which has crawled up the beach even though its guts are hanging and its clearly made of rubber. Carla flees the camp with the couple's car and drives in circles around the camp for hours into the night trying to find the turn off.......

PETAH spends the night with Cricket in the camp, and that's when we hear the line which I think perfectly represents the intellectual level of this movie....The trees are rustling in the wind and making odd noises annoying PETAH and he shouts out, "STUPID TREE," and I believe throws a rock or some shit at the tree. Outraged at his disrespect, the tree falls and barely misses him! MOTHER FUCKING NATURE FIGHTS BACK!!! Then PETAH wakes the next morning to find that the MAMA wallus/seal/manitee/thing he killed has crawled all the way up the beach to his camp and is sitting there.....LOOKING AT HIM!!! He freaks out and runs away from the camp with Cricket, making sure she is with him which is critical to a point I will make shortly. He finds his wife dead against a tree, an arrow in her neck which is supposed to tie into something that happened earlier but who really cares? He then finds a dead family who had also pist off Mother N and felt her fury, drowning the fuckers. Peter gets into the car and after driving very recklessly I must say, finds the road. But listen to this, after all that and making sure Cricket is safe he leaves her in the fucking car with the doors closed! You know how hot the car gets in the sun?! DOUCHE BAG. Anyway, he finds the road and a tractor trailer is approaching on the road, just at that moment a bird flies into the cabin of the truck and distracts the driver who then proceeds to drive right over PETAH. He is run over and upper body sort of explodes on the bumper of the truck. It was so funny and at that point all you wanted to do was see him die violently. The truck driver leaves him in the road which I think is fitting.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
For being stupid, making no sense, making me laugh when it wasn't supposed to, and James Caviezel's highlights. This movie was a true gem and I have very much enjoyed ripping it apart for you. I don't think you really need to see it, just look at the poster above and you have seen all you need to.

Hello and Welcome

Welcome to my blog where I will explore the world of the worst horror movies on Netflix and Verizon Fios on Demand. I love a good-bad horror movie and also love to read through the ridiculous descriptions written to capture our interest and entice us to watch that flick. On this blog I will provide a synopsis of the "film" and not only review movies themselves, but also the descriptions in the event they are so terrible I can't even sit through them. Hope you enjoy!