Friday, April 22, 2011

Post #26 -The Possession of David O'Reilly

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: Andrew Cull & Steven Isles
Written by: Andrew Cull
Starring: Giles Anderson, Francesca Fowler & Paul McGuinness

This is a tough one for me to review because I am not really sure how I feel about it. In one sense, I really liked it because it messes with your head for a good portion. But then it goes to Stupidville and does the one thing that drives me most nuts - show too much!

The story is pretty basic, David shows up at his friends', Alex and Anna, house late one evening having found evidence that his girlfriend is cheating on him. He's clearly upset and Alex comforts him through the night. As the evening progresses David starts to act strangely, very paranoid-like. He's looking through pictures of his girlfriend and starts to nod off, that's when things go wonky. David clearly doesn't want to fall asleep and makes sure to keep plenty of lights on around him, so you get a sense that he is being followed by someone. He's in the bathroom at one point and looks out the window and sees a figure walking backwards towards the house. It's covered in some sort of brown gunk and walking like a zombie - but uh backwards. David freaks out and locks all the windows, barricades the bathroom door and generally acts like a creeper. He forces himself to stay awake all night, and stands in the hallway outside of the apartment like a freak. So, at this point you know that David is either being haunted by something or a psycho....or maybe both!

So, the next day David is sort of a bum and falls asleep while Alex and Anna play video games all day long. Once it starts to get dark out he starts to freak out again and starts telling his friends about what's going on. Apparently it started with David just seeing things around him in the dark, nothing all that crazy and he tried to ignore them. Gradually the apparitions began to take form and come after him. He can only see them in the darkness and he is the only one who can see them. He draws disturbing images in his journal and Anna wants him to leave the apartment.

David's paranoia deepens and he starts carrying a knife around with him for protection. For the most part we don't see much, but then we get a full on glimpse of the creature lurking outside of the apartment. It looked like an obese man with half of his head melting off, it was completely ridiculous and ruined the suspense. BUMMER! I started to lose interest at this point because I didn't find porky pig all that scary.

Oddly enough, Alex starts to see strange images as well and starts to believe David's claim that something is after him. And I really can't remember/it doesn't fucking matter what happens next. Out of no where, the power goes out and David ends up in a locked room upstairs with the pregnant neighbor. It's dark and we can only see the light from his phone reflecting around the room. The pregnant lady somehow dies because I think he baby starts to eat her from the inside? I am not really sure, all the sudden there was lot of blood and she was screaming. There there was some sort of monster with weird arm mouths and David was screaming alot. Then all the sudden it's daylight and they are all back in the apartment freaking the fuck out. The whole day goes by and then its dark again and they are all freaking out again. These people are fucking idiots clearly. So, it's nighttime and David is totally ballistic at this point, Alex can sort of see the creatures and Anna is oblivious.

David accidently stabs Alex and kills him and then Anna strangles David to death with a plastic laundry bag after pretty much beating the crap out of him. She tries to escape the apartment building and everything goes black. Cut to the next morning where we see Anna's corpse in the hallway ripped up and bloody. The end.

Looking back this movie fucking sucked, it had absolutely no pacing, the creatures sucked and it all just really fell apart at the end. DOUCHE.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
I am giving this a 2 only because it takes place in England and I liked the actor's accents. Otherwise, a piece of crap.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Post #25 - The Eye

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: David Moreau & Xavier Palud
Written by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Starring: Jessica Alba, Alessandro Nivola & Parker Posey

I hate Jessica Alba, she sucks at life.

She's blind, then she's not, she's got a dead lady's eyes, she sees stuff, bad stuff happens, she solves a mystery, she goes blind again. WHO CARES!?

SO having said all that, I give this movie:This movie sucked. I wished I was blind so I didn't have to sit through it and look at Alba's dumb face!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Post #24 - Sam's Lake

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2006 Release
Directed by: Andrew C. Erin
Written by: Andrew C. Erin
Starring: Fay Masterson, Sandrine Holt & William Gregory Lee

Oh yes, Sam's Lake. What a treat! This is another one I had seen on Netflix for awhile and decided to give it a shot last night. I was pleasantly surprised at #1) the production value, I thought for sure this would be one of those movies I turned off because I hated the font in the opening credits, but its surprised me; #2) it had all the token characters a crappy movie needs - the flamboyant gay guy, the token black dude, the blonde with pig tails (but she didn't have big tits - ha!), the "hot" white guy, and the non-blonde - again signs to me of an entertaining flick; and #3) it takes place in the woods far away from civilization!

So the movie opens witch a boy escaping some sort of hospital and trekking through the woods to a house dark and quiet. He murders the family inside who we assume are his parents and siblings. Then it cuts to this horrible store set with the token gay, blond and black talking about how they were going away for the weekend with their friend Sam who is still grieving the loss of her father. Cut to the car where the troop stops at a local convenience store before heading deep into the woods. The local are of course semi-inbred looking and creepy, warning the group that it isn't safe to be heading into the woods this time of year - I love this shit! The group of course ignores the warning and continues on their journey. Once at the house the group settles in and are joined by the "hot" white guy who is a friend of Sam's from town. They have a bitchin' time swimming, sun bathing and sitting around the camp fire. They start telling scary stories and Sam tells the story of what happened in the house of the escaped boy. Apparently he was the bad seed and sent away by his parents as a child to live in a hospital deep in the woods. As a teenager he escaped the hospital and returned to the house where he murdered his family and hid in the woods for years. The townsfolk say he still haunts the woods, killing anyone he comes across.

so now everyone is all scared and they decide to head over the house to check it out and see if they can catch a glimpse of the killer. Inside the house they find a journal and are attacked by what they think is the ghost of the boy. Back at the cabin they read the journal which chronicles the crazed boys childhood in the woods. He eventually reenters society but no one recognizes his as the crazy murderous child. He marries a woman who gives birth to twins but she dies shortly after. The journal describes how the killer trained his children to hunt humans and how they would kill together. LIGHT BULB!

The killer mentions his daughter is names Sam and his son Jesse (aka "hot" white guy)! The group realizes their friend is the daughter of the killer and her friend is really her deranged brother. As if that weren't enough, we find out the kids killed their father but now believe him to believe alive and hunting them in the forest. This movie is so good!

So, one by one the siblings kill their friends with the exception of the brunette who Jesse took a fancy to. Sam won't allow Jesse to let the brunette live and just as he's about to kill her, guess who pops out of the shadow to beat the crap out of Jesse?! DADDY's HOME! The brunette escapes while the crazy siblings lured their dad outside, and they run around in the woods for awhile which was so stupid. Finally they corner their father who kills Jesse. Sam manages to kill her father and goes after brunette who cracks her in the head and Sam drowns. It ends with brunette calmly driving away from the cabin as if she just dropped off groceries at ole ma's house. She just realized her friend lured her up to the woods to be prey for a sick hunting expedition, saw her other friend's dead bodies, killed Sam and is now a-okay. So sweat off her back. WWWHHHHHAAATTTTT? See, that's why I love this movie.

On a side note, I sort of missed alot of what was going on in the movie because I was trying to figure out what other movie I had seen Sam in, I didn't realize til today it was The Man Without a Face with Mel Gibson. So if I had paid attention this movie might have sucked, but under the circumstances it was awesome!

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
Yes, this is SO a 5! It's crappy and stupid but not overly violent or gory and totally hysterical!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Post #23 - Quarantine

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: John Erick Dowdle
Written by: John Erick Dowdle & Drew Dowdle
Starring: Jennifer Carpenter, Steven Harris & Columbus Short

Ok, so I have now scene the Spanish version, Rec, and the US version Quarantine of this piece of shit. So, I think I have a very educated opinion in order to accurately review this.

The cover of this movie, left, is basically how I felt after wasting almost 2 hours of my life - WAHHHHHHHH! WHY?????

Ok, so both the English and Spanish versions are very similar so don't bother seeing either one.

I have to admit I was sort of psyched to see this movie. I think I am one of the few people who still enjoys the whole hand-held camera gimmick, so I was ready to like this one. It started off sort of slow, allowing us time to get to know the 2 main characters (one of which is behind the camer 99.9% of the time) - Angela (Carpenter) and Scott (Harris). She is a late night television reporter and he is her camera man. They are spending the night at a fire house to see what a typical night is like for the firemen. It's all pretty boring and blah blah until they get a call for a medical emergency at a local apartment building. Residents heard screaming coming from an old woman's apartment and call authorities to investigate. All of the residents of the building are standing around trying to figure out what's going on and the firemen enter the apartment and find the old lady standing in the living room, covered in blood and out of her mind. She attacks the men, critically injuring one and another falls over the railing from several floors up and dies. The residents are of course in a panic at this point and the police have no choice but to shoot and kill the old woman from the apartment. Things go bat shit crazy from here out, and we view all of it from the camera man's perspective. One by one the people start to go mad and attack each other, violently biting and mutilating each other.

I was really curious what the mysterious cause of all the sickness and death...I was so disappointed. FUCKING RABIES! Some wild form of rabies that acts very quickly and turns the people into zombie psycho killers.

Angela screams alot and we end up in the attic of the building where we discover the source of the outbreak. The man who had rented the room was apparently performing experiments and had several weird albino, gross underwear freaks living up there who eventually kill Angela and Scott, the last survivors. There were some scaring scenes but overall the ending was pretty disappointing and stupid.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:Had the big surprise disease not been rabies I would have probably given this a higher score because it was somewhat entertaining and scary up until that point. The hand held was alittle nauseating but I was into it at first at least, but overall the movie was DUMB.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Post #22 - The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2005 Release
Directed by: Scott Derrickson
Written by: Paul Harris Boardman & Scott Derrickson
Starring: Laura Linney, Tom Wilkinson & Shohreh Aghdashloo

I think I have already talked about my soft spot for horror movies with any sort of religious twist, well here is another example. I am not really sure what it is about these religious movies that I enjoy, maybe its the self-hating Catholic in me or something. Most of these movies are really crappy, but I did enjoy this one. It did have its mind numbing moments, but overall it was entertaining.

The movie centers around the trial of priest Father Moore (Wilkinson), represented by Erin Bruner (Linney), for the death of Emily Rose due to his negligence in advising her to terminate treatment for epilepsy. Father Moore stands by his decision claiming her ailments were due to a spiritual sickness and not a physical one.

Emily (Carpenter) is a down to earth country girl who leaves her family farm to attend college in the big city. Shortly after arriving at school strange things start to happen around her that ultimately lead to her untimely death. As the story unfolds according to Father Moore, Emily began to suffer hallucinations, bouts of paralysis, speaking in tongues, and self mutilation which he attributes to demonic possession. After medical treatment failed to ease her suffering, Moore prescribed an exorcism which apparently failed to cleanse Emily and left her weakened and on the brink of death. Eventually she does in fact die and according to the movie is considered by many to be a martyr and a saint.

Now, the story is somewhat interesting and I thought Carpenter was pretty good, along with everyone else. It definitely wasn't the most flattering or glamorous role as Emily so I appreciated Carpenter's humility. The movie does take itself alittle too seriously at points and the exorcism scenes did get alittle over the top and silly. Overall it was an entertaining flick and I would recommend it. It was actually sort of depressing look back at it. Damn it, I hate when that happens. Now I am all bummed out...

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
A solid movie which means it probably shouldn't be on this site, but I am sure alot of people hated it so its a wash.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Post #21 - Dolls

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

1987 Release
Directed by: Stuart Gordon
Written by: Ed Naha
Starring: Ian Patrick Williams, Carolyn Purdy-Gordon and Carrie Lorraine

This was the best movie ever! I had seen it on Netflix a few times and finally decided to watch it last night. I was smiling and laughing the entire time because its completely insane and hysterical. I am not going to go into great details but here is a snip it - a family is stranded in a storm and stumbles upon an old house owned by an older couple. The husband makes custom dolls and the wife is nuts. A young man and 2 wild and crazy girls are also stranded in the storm and seek refuge with the old couple. Everything goes crazy and we discover the true nature of the doll makers trade. Every thing about this movie was 100% 80's AMAZING. I am going to include a bunch of pictures for your enjoyment but you must must must see this movie, like right now!SO having said all that, I give this movie:
Best movie! This is why the 80's were the best, you had classics and then you had moveis like DOLLS!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Post #20 - The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: Farhad Mann
Written by: Clay Carmouche
Starring: Michael Shanks, Shannen Doherty & JR Bourne

Ok, this is going to be one where I need to make a disclaimer from the onset and that is, I watched under 5 minutes of this movie because it was so terrible. I really only wanted to watch til I saw the Doherty and then I was gonna turn it off, and that's exactly what I did. The first scene is of course awkward. I have no idea what country its supposed to be but a bunch of native American looking men are running along the side of a mountain towards the entrance to a cave. Once inside the cave every inch of the environment looks fake and I think I saw a light hanging from the ceiling at one point. These explorers are traveling through the cave when they are attacked by a bunch of the natives and in the midst of the fight some sort of creature that spits mucousy looking green stuff appears and starts to kill everyone. The last one to die is an older gentleman who is the Doherty's father, we know this because he is looking at a locket with her picture in it before he dies. Then it cuts to the Doherty! I have no idea why I was so excited at this point, I am not a fan of anything she has ever been in but I guess I love seeing actors resort to terrible horror movies to pay the rent. She's digging through some sort of expedition site and dressed all little house on the prairie like. When it cut to a close up of her face I couldn't get over how old and weathered she looked. I believe my comment to Christian was "Jesus she looks terrible. She looks like she's in her 40's, but wait maybe she is in her forties?" She is in fact, 40 this month so happy birthday and you should have moisturized Miss Doherty. Anyway, I turned the movie off at this point because there was truly no use watching anymore. It was clearly terrible.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:This movie looked bad and by that I think it was filmed on an old handheld camera. It was terribly acted from the 3 minutes I saw, but I did get to see the Doherty.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Post #19 - Shutter

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: Masayuki Ochiai
Written by: Luke Dawson
Starring: Joshua Jackson, Rachel Taylor & James Kyson-Lee

Yes I do realize this is a remake of the 2004 Asian version, which I have seen, but I am reviewing the US one because it's worse. Ok, so, this movie STUNK.

The movie opens with an American couple, Ben (Jackson) & Jane (Taylor), getting married & relocating to Japan so Ben can pursue a career in photography. Shortly after arriving in Japan the couple hit a woman with their car on a dark country road. When they regain consciousness the girl is gone and the couple assume she was either able to walk away or received assistance. They continue on their journey but Jane is uneasy and questions their decision to leave the scene. They try to enjoy their honeymoon before Ben must report to work.

Once settled in the new apartment Jane is left to her own devices during the day and begins to explore the city. She picks up the photos from the couple's honeymoon and they all contain odd bursts of light and smudges. Ben's assistant Seiko believes the photos reveal a spirit following the couple. Ugh, all this thought about the plot is exhausting me. Basically, Jane becomes convinced they are being haunted by the spirit of the girl from the road. She is able to piece together that the girl knew Ben and he admits to having a relationship with her in the past. He claims he doesn't know where she is because she disappeared after he broke up with her. Of course this isn't the truth. Ben not only broke the poor girls heart but participated in the rape and murder of the girl along with his pals who have all committed suicide.

Jane leaves Ben and the movie ends with Ben taking polaroids of the apartment in an attempt to discover where the ghost of the dead girl is hiding. The camera takes a picture of Ben and we see that the spirit is sitting on his shoulders. This would explain the pain he has been feeling and he tries to burn the spirit but of course that doesn't work. Flash forward to the hospital where he is being treated for his injury from the burn and we see that the spirit is still with him, sitting on his shoulders for eternity. CRAP!

This movie is not scary. It's all Grudge-like with the Japanese chick having long hair that is pulled over her face and she constantly has an O face going. Not only is it not scary, its not funny, it feels really long and is even worse than the Japanese version.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
Terrible movie, boring, dumb characters and a stupid plot. The Japanese version was slightly better except the chic who plays Jane's voice made my ears bleed.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Post #18 - The Reaping

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2007 Release
Directed by: Stephen Hopkins
Written by: Carey Hayes & Chad Hayes
Starring: Hilary Swank, David Morrissey & AnnaSophia Robb

Goodie goodie goodie. I have been reviewing alot of shit movies lately so I decided to go with a personal GEM. I love this movie, I have watched it SO many times I just can't get enough. If The Reaping is on any channel, I am tuning in. Why? Well, let me explain...

First of all, there is a religious twist to this movie and I am a total sucker for that. Swank plays Katherine, a former Christian missionary who turned her back on God to pursue a career debunking religious phenomena after the murder of her husband and daughter. The movie opens in a small village in Chile where the locals are becoming sick from what appears to be a plague. After investigating the tomb of a recently deceased priest Katherine uncovers the true culprit, pollution in the water supply. Then a friend of hers, a priest with whom she worked with in the missionary, contacts her because he believes he has received a vision from the Godand wants to warn Katherine. She refuses to hear him out because she no longer believes in God or the Devil.

Katherine is contacted by a small town science teacher, Doug (Morrissey), who has been tasked with figuring out why the rivers in his town have turned red. The townsfolk fear this is first plague signaling the end of the world and blame a 12 year old who recently witnessed the death of her older brother. Katherine and her assistant Ben (Idris Ilba) travel to the small town confident there is a logical explanation for the contamination. Upon their arrival more and more "plagues" start to happen and Katherine has flash backs to the murder of her family.

This movie is so stupid. She has weird dreams, there are alot of flies, and eventually she meets the little girl being blamed for all the commotion. The story is ridiculous and over the top but I loved it. Katherine discovers the entire town is involved in cult activities and she believes they are trying to sacrifice the child to satan. WHAT?! By the end, Katherine has kicked ass, saves the girl and you discover she is pregnant with Doug's baby - the anti-christ. It's so awesome! I am getting happy just thinking about it. I tried to find it on demand last night and was disappointed it wasn't listed. I highly recommend this craptacular movie.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:A total gem, and one to be watched for the ages. This movie is so great, that's all I can say!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Post #17 - Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2009 Release
Directed by: Ti West
Written by: Joshua Malkin & randy Pearlstein
Starring: Rider Strong, Noah Segan & Alexi Wasser

This is going to be quick because this was the most disgusting, despicable movie I have seen in awhile. I absolutely hated this movie, and I think I watched up 30 minutes and believe me I want those 30 minutes back. I have seen the first one and it was really weird, and gross, BUT this sequel is the reason why I hate humans. Whoever liked this movie is a sick fuck and should burn some part of their body immediately. I made it through the first part but then there was a guy pissing blood into the prom punch bowl, a guy fucking a first chick and then letting her drown and I had to call it quits. I feel bad about myself for having seen that much. I hated hated hated this movie. I don't understand why people would want to watch this filth, and I watch ALOT of shit.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
If you liked this movie you should be sterilized.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Post #16 - Frozen

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2010 Release
Directed by: Adam Green
Written by: Adam Green
Starring: Shawn Ashmore, Emma Bell & Kevin Zegers

I realize I am a day behind in posting this review but I had to really think about my score on this one to make sure it was right. I watched this movie on Monday night for the first time expecting to fall asleep half way through, and instead I watched it all the way through and was late to work the next morning as a result. After the movie was over I was torn on what I thought about it, a part of me really liked it and then another part of me was really disappointed at one scene. One other disclaimer I must make is that I watched a large portion of this movie with no sound and the closed captions on because as I said I didn't expect to watch the whole thing. Plus there were quite a few scenes with wolves and anyone who has met Lola would know why that would be problematic. I am probably going to go into more detail than necessary because I am still hesitant on my score and I hope reliving it will help me decide. So skip around if it gets boring.

Ok so Frozen... I have seen this on demand for awhile but never really had any interest til the other night when I decided to give it a whirl.

There are three main characters, Dan, his girlfirend Parker, and best friend Joe. The trio is spending a beautiful Sunday on the slopes of a local ski resort, but most of the day is spent on the bunny slopes because Parker is still learning the sport. There is some tension among the three because this activity is typically something Joe and Dan alone together, so Parker's presence seems to be interfering with serious man time. It gets alittle cheesy but at least it made an attempt to give the characters some believable personalities. Dan is a real "good guy" and clearly cares deeply for Parker who is sort of typical but not all that bad. Joe is the single best friend who likes Parker but pretty much wishes she would fuck off most of the time.

At the end of the day, they convince ski lift operator to give them one more run since they already paid him $100 instead of purchasing lift tickets. He concedes and off they go up the mountain. Half way up the operator leaves his post asking another employee to keep an eye out for the last three people coming down. Of course, within a couple minutes 3 guys come down and the new operator things everyone is safe and sound at the bottom of the mountain and turns off all the power and lights to the lift. Skip up to the top of the mountain where the trio sits waiting for the power to come back so they can continue up to the top. The sun has gone down at this point, it's snowing and they are dangling high above the now frozen ground. They soon realize that they are stranded and that no one knows they are still stuck on the lift. Parker of course starts to panic and Dan does his best to calm her down. Parker was probably alot more annoying with the volume turned up but I didn't think she was all that bad since I couldn't actually hear her voice. I would have panicked and assumed the worst as well, so I was trying to be forgiving of some of the stupid dialogue.

So they are freezing their asses off and realize that the resort won't be open for another 5 days so they have to get down somehow otherwise they will surely die. At one point a snow plow shows up below them but doesn't seem them despite their attempts to get his attention. Dan decides he will jump to the ground and make his way down the slopes on foot. BIG MISTAKE! The shot of him falling is pretty cool since his view is looking down at his feet as he hits the ground and both of his legs break. Joe and Parker are of course freaking out from above realizing that Dan can't move, let alone get help. Then you hear it...the sounds of the wolves and out of no where one appears standing over Dan's mangled body. Dan is fully aware and does his best to scare off the wolf but quickly the pack decends upon his. At one point Joe tries to climb across the cable to a ladder on a post but the wire is razor sharp and he just can't help Dan. This is where I did get really freaked out. The shot is Dan on the ground covering his face and screaming to Joe not to let Parker watch what is about to happen. I guess I was so absorbed I didn't even realize the fucking wolves were going to kill him, and I liked how they shot the scene. Parker is screaming and crying trying to look down while Joe does his best to shield her face. You see a shot from above of Dan on the ground and the wolves sort of pounce on him and that's it. It doesn't show anything all that gory or horrific. I could somewhat hear it at this point and that was the worst part, Parker screaming Dan's name, Dan screaming in agony and Joe doing his best to distract her. Then it goes silent and you know Dan is dead. I was SHOCKED! I didn't think any of them would die or at least this quickly, or as violently.

So, its the calm after the violent storm. Dan's chewed up corpse lays below them and they are now aware of the silent killers on the ground. Even if they got down, how the hell would they protect themselves? Flash forward to the next morning, they somehow survive the night but are starting to suffer from frost bite. There is a really sad scene where Parker pisses her pants because she can't hold it anymore. It was a short, small scene but really expressed her desperation and despair. The 2 remaining survivors decide to wait it out for the day and see if anyone comes for help. They talk to each other and share stories about Dan and their pasts. You start to really feel for them because they are just normal stupid people.

After a whole day with nothing happening Joe decides he is going to try and climb across the wire again to get to the poll. It was a really tense scene and he does finally make it. He hands are so fucked up and that bothered me almost as much as the wolf scene. He makes it to the ladder and the wolves appear again. He gets to the ground, fights them off and disappears down the slope on a snow board. Dan is dead, Joe is gone and Parker is all alone on the lift which is now starting fall apart.

She somehow makes it through another night, her hand is fucked from freezing to the safety bar, her face is pealing off in spots and she is mentally shot. She is all alone and decides she to do something before the whole lift chair breaks. She shimmies down the seat and luckily the chair does snap off the wire. Her saving grace is the safety wire which catches before she hits the ground. Slightly injured when she actually makes it down she slides down the mountain desperate for help. Ok, so here is where I go from digging this to disappointed. She is I guess about half way down when she stumbles across the corpse of Joe. The wolves clearly got to him and were still working on him when she arrives. Ok, so that problem I had with this is the fact they showed way too much of Joe's mangled body. It was so much more effective when you just saw blood on the ground and a shot where you could sort of make out a body. They OF COURSE have to show more details and it was so realistic looking that it sort of snapped me out of it, if that makes sense. The wolves see Parker but let her go because I guess they were still munching on Joe. She makes it to the bottom and collapses on the road where she is rescued.

What the fuck? An hour and a half of very careful attention, an hour and a half of your imagination running wild and then they have to show the body. I can perfectly picture the scene, its one of Joe's legs and the skin is ripped off and flesh is just hanging, plus I think they show even more but I sort of zoned at this point out of disappointment. I HATE WHEN THEY SHOW YOU TOO MUCH! I didn't even fucking care that she made it down at this point, I was so pist off. It would have been even better if we saw nothing but the blood because then we could wonder if he lived, is he lost somewhere else, NO HE'S IN A PILE ON THE GROUND AND YOU CAN SEE HIM RIGHT HERE! God damn it!

SO having said all that, I give this movie: (god this was a long one)
I debated giving this a 1 because I was disappointed BUT then I thought that giving it a mediocre score like 3 was more appropriate. Had it not had that one scene that ruined the imagination I would have probably given it a better score, but I must move on.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Post #15 - Devil

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2010 Release
Directed by: John Erick Dowdle
Written by: Brian Nelson & M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Chris Messina, Caroline Dhavernas & Bokeen Woodbine

I am not going to go into many details about this one because I don't want to ruin the twist of the ending. Despite all of Christian's warning this movie would be garbage, I admittedly was looking forward to it. I rented it from Blockbuster which should tell you just how excited I was. I didn't know anything about it, other than what I saw in the previews so I was pretty pumped.

This is the story of 5 strangers stuck in an elevator and one of them is up to no good - and what I mean by no good is, they are the devil. HAHAHA. The longer they are stuck in the elevator the more we get to know them and their story. Slowly the trapees begin to die in rather uncomfortable ways, and each death takes place when the lights momentarily go out. The remaining victims start to turn on each other until the end when only 1 remains and the devil shows himself/herself. That's all I will say on the plot.

This was another big BORE-FEST. It could have been good which makes it all the more disappointing. The idea is pretty cool but execution was rather crappy. I would recommend seeing it only to test yourself if you can guess who the culprit is.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:For some reason, I can't give this 1 hook. I was so excited that I can't for probably pride reasons give this 1. Don't get me wrong, it was bad, but I can't give it 1. See it and let me know if you guessed who the devil was. I actually can't remember if I guessed right or not, oh well.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Post #14 - Darkness Falls

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2003 Release
Directed by: Jonathan Liebesman
Written by: Joe Harris, John Fasano, & James Vanderbilt
Starring: Chaney Kley, Emma Caulfield & Lee Cormie

Now you would think that this would be a movie I would love because its a ghost story and really stupid, but something about it wasn't quite right for me. The story takes place on an island town called Darkness Falls and the opening I did like. We learn from a group of children about the "Tooth Fairy", the ghost of Matilda Dixon, a lovely local widow who often spent time with the children telling them stories and offering up all sort of sweet treats. After a fire in her home severely disfigured her face forcing her to wear a mask made of teeth (um WHAT? How could anyone have any sort of injury that required teeth to cover it?) the children were afraid to spend time with her and she only came out at night. She became an outcast and after a few children go missing Matilda was arrested, stripped of her mask and hung. The missing children soon reappear and the townspeople realize they have made a huge mistake. They cover up the murder and bury Matilda's body. Years later the body went missing after the cemetery was moved and thus began a strange series of events on the island. Reading that I should really have liked this movie, damn it!

The movie opens with with Kyle Walsh (Kley), a local boy who just lost his last baby tooth. Legend among the children requires they must offer their last baby tooth to the Tooth Fairy who will visit them during the night. They dare not look her in the face because doing so will result in their immediate death. Kyle leaves his tooth out for her and hides under the blankets. Soon he hears breathing and scratching noises in his room and knows she's there. He can't resist taking a peak from under the covers and looks directly into the Tooth Fairy's face. He scares her off by shining a flash light in her eyes and runs from the room. Apparently the ghost cannot stand any light so he hides in the bathroom while his mother goes to his room to assure him it's safe. The Tooth Fairy brutally murder his mother and the scene ends with Kyle hiding in the tub of a perfectly white bathroom and the ghost is hiding over the door waiting for him. The movie totally sucks after this scene.

So Kyle is all screwed up obviously from the murder of his mother which he is blamed for. He moves to Las Vegas as an adult, where the lights never go out and always has flashlights on him in fear that the Tooth Fairy will return to finish what was started that night. Kyle returns to Darkness Falls after a friend tells him her brother also claims to have escaped a run in with the Tooth Fairy and is now deathly afraid of the dark. The poor kid is in a loony bin since he refuses to sleep or be in the dark. Kyle knows the kid isn't crazy and wants to protect him from the ghost.

Ok, I just can't do anymore. This movie could have been entertaining but it was so boring. I am not even going to bother going into the ending. It was so boring and lame. The opening was good but the rest was just boring.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:This was so boring.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Post #13 - Sorority Row

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2009 Release
Directed by: Stewart Hendler
Written by: Josh Stolberg & Pete Goldfinger
Starring: Briana Evigan, Rumer Willer & Carrie Fisher

UGH is all I can say to start. This movie SUCKS...

I am going to try and make this quick, like ripping off a band-aid. 6 sorority sisters play a prank that accidently results in the death of one of them. The remaining bitches decide to conseal the crime and never reveal the truth to anyone - you know the tenants of "sisterhood" = secrecy and solidarity. I can't believe I have seen this movie enough to remember that. Anyway, they all agree to keep the accident a secret, but Cassidy (Evigan) is all tormented and shit by what happened. She has this really annoying boyfriend who I wanted to see beheaded instantly.

All seems well a year later as the girls are all graduating and leaving the sorority house they have called home, run by Ms. Crenshaw (Fisher - why why why?). They are all stuck up and snooty and overall pretty terrible people. Ellie (Willis) is the weepy annoying one and I wanted to see her tongue ripped out the whole time so she would shut the hell up - horrendous acting, horrendous. The RL sister of the dead sorority girl shows up at the party looking for some explanation of why her sister has been missing and suspects the dirty sorority sluts. You know, she's really smart and looks like a human rodent.

So, on their last night in the house they throw a big party and one by one they are all murdered, and some of their stupid boyfriends as well. There is an amusing scene with Crenshaw and a shotgun trying to take out the bad guy, it's not meant to be amusing but I couldn't help but chuckle at how ridiculous the dialogue was. It isn't until the very end that we discover it's Cassidy's boyfriend behind all the bloodshed. He did it so Cassidy could live without her secret ever being discovered through the sorority sisters, or some stupid shit. The house is set on fire and Cassidy along with puddles Ellie and the dead girl's sister are the only ones to survive.

Two things really pist me off about this movie, the scene where the 3 survivors are leaving the burning house and its all slow motion and badass music is playing - their clothing is strategically ripped so you can see their tits, etc. This aggrivated me to no end, but THEN the last shot of the movie is the dead girl's sister in the sorority house singing some stupid fucking song and being a bitch. GRRR!

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
I fucking hate myself for watching this so many times but I have be honest and say I will probably watch it again. Even with that, I CANNOT give this movie anything over a 1. It's really just shit and I hope you don't watch it.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Post #12 - The Unborn

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2009 Release
Directed by: David S. Goyer
Written by: David S. Goyer
Starring: Odette Annable, Gary Oldman & Cam Gigandet

So when I saw the preview for this movie I was excited because I absolutely love Gary Oldman, and somehow I blocked out all other stupid images in the preview and focused solely on the fact he was in this movie. And I have to be honest, I like this movie - it's stupid and annoying but I like it what can I say?

So here we have the story of Casey Beldon (Annable) who is your average young college girl whose mother killed herself when she was a child. Casey seems rather well adjusted given the fact her mother was fucking lunatic who hung herself in a mental institution, and her father is a work-a-holic who is never around. This works out fine for Casey because it allows her to spend more time with her boyfriend Mark (Gigandet).

The story begins to unfold as strange events start taking place around Casey - strange visions and messages. While babysitting neighbor's kids one night, the young son is messing around with a mirror and the baby in his crib. When Casey tells him to stop he says..."Jumby wants to be born now." WHAT????????? See this is why I love this movie, what the fuck does that mean? When they were writing the script and someone suggested that line no one smacked the fool? I love it. I kept saying the line over and over after I watched the movie because it was so stupid. Ok so now we all know Jumby wants to be born now.

Casey begins to have hallucinations and starts to fear she is slipping into madness like her mother. One day her BFF notices one of Casey's eyes is changing colors, alarmed she rushed to the doctor. She find out she has a rare condition caused when a twin dies while still inside the mother and some of its blood is transferred to the other baby through the cord. Unaware she was a twin she confronts her father who admits she did in fact have a brother who died very early on in the pregnancy. Guess what they called the boy -- JUMBY!!! Ok, now, what the fuck kind of name is Jumby anyway? Clearly these parents were fucking idiots. So now we know that Casey was supposed to be a twin and that Jumby wants to be born.

While looking through her mothers possessions Casey finds an article with a woman's name circled and seeks out this person. It turns out it's her grandmother who is living in an old age home and is a holocaust survivor. She too was a twin, but her brother was murdered by the nazis who performed horrible experiments on twin siblings in an attempt to harness the connection they felt twins shared. Casey becomes convinced that she is being possessed by the spirit of her grandmother's twin brother, who also tried to be born through her mother but ultimately died. Blah Blah Blah. All that matters is eventually she seeks out the aid of Rabbi Sendak (Oldman) who she feels can help exercise her demon. All this pointless stuff happens and by the end they are attempting an exorcism on Casey at the mental institution where her mother died. I really can't remember what happens but a bunch of people die and Casey somehow survives. But guess what...SHE IS KNOCKED UP! AND GUESS WHAT! IT'S TWINS!!!!!!

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

Oh I loved this movie and all its stupidness. The story was completely convoluted and stupid but I was enteratined. It was not gory or disgusting, and tried to be clever.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Post #11 - My Bloody Valentine

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2009 Release
Directed by: Patrick Lussier
Written by: Todd Farmer & Zane Smith
Starring : Jensen Ackles, Jamie King & Kerr Smith

Ok, this one is gonna make me angry so beware. I made Christian watch this one with me and I am pretty sure he was really pist afterwards as well. I tried to rewatch this once and I couldn't - that's a really bad sign. I think you can tell that I will rewatch some real shit over and over again, so that tells you just how much I HATED this movie.

First of all, this movie looks like it was filmed on a fucking Flip, or like a Lifetime movie from 1984. Now, I didn't see it in 3D but I can guaran-fucking-tee you it didn't help. There are tons of cheesy pop out "scares" that when viewed non-3D just look fucking stupid. The story is atrocious. The acting is unforgiveable and everyone involved with this movie should have to suffer through hard labor for at least 6 months as penance. I know this movie is based on a 1981 classic which I did not see, so I admit I am a fucking moron. I can't even go into what happens in this movie because it will give me high blood pressure so I am just going to say don't waste your fucking time. Pulling out your eye lashes one by one or sticking various body parts in pots of boiling water would be more pleasant than watching this piece of garbage.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:
This movie beyond sucked and wasn't worth the goddamn rental. Avoid it at all costs.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Post #10 - Ghost Ship

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2002 Release
Directed by: Steve Beck
Written by: Mark Hanlon & John Pogue
Starring: Julianna Marguiles, Gabriel Byrne & Ron Eldard

I have never seen the official poster for this movie and I started laughing when I saw "Sea Evil", good god that's so bad. It should say "See Shit" because that's what you are gonna do when you watch this movie.

I really like the beginning of this movie... It's the early 60's and an Italian luxury cruise ship is hosting a lavish party for its guests. There's champagne, live music, dancing and a sexy lady singing at the mic. There is a lonely looking little girl sitting on deck, she appears to be the only child on board and is clearly bored at the adult party. The friendly captain offers her a dance and she happily accepts. They are on the dance floor when the devastation starts. Someone cuts one of the cables that is stretched across the ship and it whips across the deck like a blade and cuts the dancers in half. At first they are all standing there wondering what the fuck just happened, and then they all start to fall apart. Body parts are sliding all over the place and its so ridiculous. The little girl is spared because she was short and the wired missed her. She is still holding onto the captain when he drops to the floor in 2 pieces. He was hit in the face so the top of his head falls off as he's looking down at her. It's so awesome.

Then the movie goes to shit town. It cuts to present day on the deck of a salvage ship captained by Sean Murphy (Byrne). While celebrating the successful salvaging of a ship they are approached by a mysterious man who wants to hire them to find and bring to port the ill fated luxury liner, Antonia Graza, floating across the Bering Sea. The captain reluctantly takes the job knowing that the Antonia Graza is supposedly haunted and the crew sets off to find her. As soon as they arrive at the ship strange things start happening...surprise surprise. This movie sucks, it's really really bad and boring. The mysterious stranger who hires the crew turns out to be the ghost of the original group of bandits who killed everyone on board back in the 60's trying to steal gold from the ship. It's so stupid and unfortunately some of the characters live. And what is with Gabriel Byrne? Why the hell was he in this piece of CRAP? And why the hell was he in Stigmata? Does this guy have a hard on for really bad horror movies? And he's terrible in both of them. I don't get it. Listen don't see this movie, or rather don't watch anything past the opening scene on the boat because it just sucks from that point on.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

I personally loved the opening of this movie and was psyched to watch it through but every scene after the opening sucks and is borderline painful to watch. The characters are stupid and typical and I don't think there are any cool death scenes after the beginning. I feel deceived when a movie has a cool opening and then goes to shit. I feel like I was duped into thinking I would be enjoying an entertaining movie. I am bitter, very very bitter.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Post #9 - Gothika

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2003 Release
Directed by: Mathieu Kassovitz
Written by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Starring: Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz & Robert Downey Jr.

Ok so looking at the stars in this movie you are probably thinking to yourself, wow this movie is loaded with big names so its gotta be decent, right? You have Halle Berry = Oscar Winner, Penelope Cruz = Oscar Winner, and Robert Downey Jr. = 2 Time Oscar Nominated. Well, apparently this trio left their better judgement at home the day they agreed to be in this CRAPPY movie.

Berry plays Dr. Miranda Grey, a brilliant psychiatrist at a women's criminal mental institution. She's married to the head of the institution, Dr. Douglas Grey, and the 2 appear to have the perfect marriage. That is until Miranda wakes up as a patient in the mental institution accused of brutally murdering her husband in their perfect suburban home. She has no recollection of the events and has the words "Not Alone" are carved into her arm. Believing herself incapable of murdering her husband she escapes the institution and tries to unravel the mystery of who killed her husband and why.

Berry is really annoying in this entire movie and always crying or looking helpless and you just want to smack her a few times. Cruz plays a patient at the facility who is crazy and claims she's being attacked by a demon in her cell. She is completely wasted and useless in this movie. Downey plays another psychiatrist at the institution who has a crush on Miranda and he's pretty annoying as well. He tries to help Miranda remember the evening when her husband was killed and it gets all serious and stupid. Eventually, Miranda starts to figure out what happened and its lame. She has visions of a dead girl who directs her to her husband's country house where she discovers he was a sick bastard and tortured to death the girl from her visions. That part was actually pretty fucked up and violent. It seemed unnecessary and pist me off. SO yay Miranda figures out that she did in fact butcher her husband but she was possessed by the spirit of the dead girl at the time. Surely the courts will understand right? But its not over yet because her husband had a buddy. It gets all dramatic and she discovers her husband's best friend, one of the cops who arrested her, was involved in the murders and he tries to kill her in the police station. I can't really remember the details because it was so stupid but she somehow sets the dude on fire and he dies. I think it just ends after that, oh and the significance of the carved words in her arm was that her husband was not alone in being a despicable human being. Isn't that such a happy story? Going back and reading this I feel like a fucking creep for watching this movie so many times. But I will defend myself in saying that I typically only watch the first 30 minutes and nothing of any interest happens.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

I should give this a 1 but I can't for some reason. It's really stupid and not a good movie but something in me is compelled to give it a 2. It might just be the fact that I watched this so many times. Christian also hated this movie and gets angry whenever he sees me watching it so I think that also warrants a 2.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Post #8 - They

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2002 Release
Directed by: Robert Harmon
Written by: Brendan Hood
Starring: Laura Regan, Marc Blucas & Ethan Embry

Wes Wes Wes...They...?

While this movie is plot wise very different from Dead Silence it does share one HUGE problem...Laura Regan and her goddamn hair style again. What's with this chick? Look at this picture, what is that? While I will admit it's much worse in Dead Silence, it's still inexcusable. Is she just every hair stylist nightmare or something? Get it...nightmare...nevermind.

So here we have the story of Julia Lund (Regan aka "ugly head") who begins to suffer from childhood night terrors after witnessing the suicide of a friend, Billy. Billy claimed he was being stalked by demons from his nightmares and his only salvation was suicide. She meets Billy's friends at the funeral who also claim to be experiencing extreme nightmares.

Julia is a pschology student...of course, all crazy chicks are into psychology, and is about to give her graduate dissertation when the night terrors return. She's dating this total goodie-2-shoes who is her Mr. Perfect and makes me gag in every scene. A whole bunch of stupid shit happens and Billy's friends begin to disappear. They are all marked by the demons who insert some sort of weird looking tooth pick under their skin leaving a wound that never heals. The most disturbing thing in this garbage movie was the scene where this one chick is picking her mark and its all purple and open and infected looking...she eats in a swimming pool locker room later.

Julia starts to lose her shit and blah blah blah. I have seen this movie a bunch of times because I enjoy wasting hours of my life away on movies I loathe and I still have no idea exactly what happens in the end. Julia ends up in her closet which is now like a huge black cave and these rubber bandy monsters are coming for her...I think she's a goner at the end but I really can't remember. I was too distracted by the way her stupid hair looked that I couldn't focus on the plot. This movie so melodramatic and serious it's criminal.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:This movie is really bad but because of the sheer numbers of times I have sat through it, I can't give it a 1, I feel it would be wrong of me. So, I will settle with a's really boring and you just want everyone to die and they do.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Post #7 - Dead Silence

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2007 Release
Directed by: James Wan
Written by: Leigh Whannell & James Wan
Starring: Ryan Kwanten, Amber Valletta & Donnie Wahlberg

You will notice I am including stills from the movie in this review because I feel that everyone in this movie looked really shitty and I wanted to support this opinion with photographic evidence. I don't know what the problem was exactly, but everyone just looked really crappy and kinda dirty.

Any horror movie starring either of the Wahlberg brothers is definitely going to be a treat, especially when there are evil puppets involved! This is the tale of Jamie Ashen (Kwanten) who returns to his home town to bury his wife Lisa who was brutally murdered. Just before Lisa was murdered a mysterious package arrived containing Billy - a ventriloquist puppet from their past.

Before I go any further I must vent about something... I ABSOLUTELY hated Lisa's hair cut - it bothered me more than anything else in this movie. She looked like an anorexic 9 year old boy to start with, and had a Beatles meets 80's nerd hair cut. I offer this picture as proof. I realize she is only in the movie briefly but what the fuck? Who ok'ed this hair style? How am I supposed to give a shit about this twat when every time I look at her, all I want is to see her killed!!! She does die violently, so that makes me feel alittle better I guess.

Ok, moving on...Ashen returns home and argues with his estranged dad whose dying from like mad cow disease or advanced leprosy or something. Wahlberg plays Detective Lipton, a gruffy hard nosed cop who believes Ashen murdered his wife and sets out to prove it. I am pretty sure he wears the same outfit in every scene and looks like he just rolled out of bed. Clearly there wasn't enough money in the budget for Lisa to get a decent hair cut or a different tie for Det. Lipton. Lipton begins to follow and harass Ashen and overall act like a douche bag. I love how serious Wahlberg is in the movie, like he's trying for an Oscar on this one. Didn't anyone tell him he was in a movie about a murderous puppet? Seriously Donny, thanks for trying but you are ridiciulous.

Anyway, Ashen begins to suspect that the puppet Billy is responsible for his wife's death and decides to investigate on his own. This Mary Shaw bitch who owned Billy was a local ventriloquist who went crazy and is murdered by a bunch of locals who accused her of murdering a child. Out for revenge from the dead, Shaw uses her collection of puppets to carry out her deathly deeds. Whatever... that's the story and don't worry abouth the ending it doesn't matter...what's most important is how stupid this movie is, I loved it. I have watched this movie so many times because it allows me to focus on something and turn off my brain completely, there is literally no reason to think at any point in this movie and I appreciate that.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

I can't give this movie a 5 because of Lisa's hair cut, I just can't. It bothered me that much. I have seen her in another equally terrible movie and her hair sucked in that movie too.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Post #6 - Mirrors

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2008 Release
Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Written by: Alexandre Aja, Gregory Levasseur
Starring: Keifer Sutherland, Paula Patton & Amy Smart

Goodie goodie goodie! I am SUPER excited to finally review this movie because I am pretty sure I could recite every line of dialogue. I have watched this movie at least 20 times. Why? Let me explain....I am a Keifer Sutherland fan and appreciate his ability to be insanely intense about nothing and I love the way this movie uses that. It also tries WAY too hard to be a good movie and I love the fact that Christian was really angry after watching it and wanted his 2 hours back.

Anyway, Sutherland plays Ben Carson, an alcoholic cop suspended from the force for unnecessarily shooting a man to death while on the job. He is estranged from his wife, Amy (Patton), a forensic pathologist and mother of their 2 children, and is desperately trying to win her trust & confidence back. He takes a night shift security guard job at the old Mayflower Department Store which was abandoned after a destructive fire years prior. Almost immediately strange things start happening while Ben patrols the building - What's could it be? I can't wait to find out! He hears a woman screaming and tries to find her (yes he is screaming), when he can't locate her he looks in the mirrors and is then able to see a charred up woman on the floor screaming. Of course her breasts exposed. Who doesn't love a pair of burnt up charred titties? Later he peers into a mirror and his reflection is set on fire and he starts screaming and writhing on the floor and it's really hilarious. He becomes obsessed with figuring out what's behind the strange events at the Mayflower. Doesn't sound like a bad plot so far, right? Well, I love it because the way its played out is so stupid. In literally every scene Ben is boiling over with intensity and screaming about something, it's unnecessary and hysterical.

Eventually the evil in the mirrors of the Mayflower starts to appear in his home and his younger sister is murdered by her mirror double mirror image in a pretty stupid way. I guess you could die from having your jaw ripped off ? It looked goofy.

Using his police background, he pieces together the random clues and finds out that the Mayflower used to be a hospital. The mystery name "ESSEKER" keeps appearing to him and he's able to dig up records revealing a young schizophrenic girl by the name of Esseker was admitted to the hospital and was falsely reported - BUT WHY? She received a form of treatment whereby she was forced to sit in a room of mirrors to face her inner demons and it works - that's good right? The meanies in her head were forced out of her mind and into the mirrors of the building. Even after the building is remodeled the demons still inhabit the mirrors and have been searching for Esseker ever since. So that's what all the hub bub was about?!

All this random stuff happens; one of the kids disappears into the floor, Amy's mirror image tries to kill the daughter with scissors, and Ben kidnaps Esseker so she can face her demons in the mirrors again to save his family. I should proabably provide more details but all you need to know is the Sutherland is angry alot, veins in his head are popping out everywhere and he does alot screaming. He is able to save his family but.....there is a price. He must live eternity in the reflection of his life, never able to return to the his family...instead he watches from the inside. THAT IS SOME PRETTY HEAVY SHIT PEOPLE! It's a master piece....

SO having said all that, I give this movie:It's a gem, gotta give it a 5! There is absolutely nothing about this movie I would change. There is plenty of crazy screaming, just enough gore, stupid dialogue and a nun running around on the ceiling. See it, be it, love it.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Post #5 - The Lodger

Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.

2009 Release
Directed by: David Ondaatje
Written by: David Ondaatje, Marie Belloc Lowndes
Starring: Alfred Molina, Hope Davis, and Shane West

I always get a little bit sad when I see really good actors trying to make a piece of shit movie something people would want to watch. I personally liked this movie because its so ridiculously convoluted and tried to smash 2 plot lines into 1 coherent story.

Story Line #1: Detective Manning (Molina) and his young spry partner Street Wilkenson (West) are hunting a serial killer in Hollywood who is targeting and murdering prostitutes Jack the Ripper style. Manning realizes quickly that the murders perfectly mimic a string of murders from a few years ago -the suspect in those crimes having been found guilty and executed. Did they make a booboo and fry the wrong guy? Or is Manning the killer?

Story Line #2: An mentally unstable wife and mother, Ellen (Davis), is trying to keep her shit together so her husband doesn't realize she's taking a walk back down Schizophrenia Lane. At the same time a mysterious and handsome man appears at her door requesting to rent out an apartment in the back of their house. Could this strangers appearance have anything to do with the murders?

I thought this movie was unnecessarily gory. The acting was pretty terrible given the cast. And I was disappointed in the ending twist. I think writing this review is making me depressed because it maybe could have been a good movie.

SO having said all that, I give this movie:

This movie could have been good but wasn't a complete piece of junk so I am somewhat reluctantly giving it a 2 hook. A part of me wants to give it a 3 and another part a 1 so I guess this is a good compromise. I guess I recommend it in a weird way, it was at least kinda different.