Please note this is a complete SPOILER and I am basically relaying how insanely stupid this movie was for your enjoyment. I suggest seeing the movie before reading this if you have any interest in it being surprise.
2008 Release -remake of 1978 "Long Weekend"
Directed by: Jamie Blanks
Written by: Everette De Roche
Starring: Claudia Karyan, Star and Robert Taylor
Listed as rest of cast: James Caviezel
First thing I want to say is that I find it hysterical that IMDB.com lists Claudia Karyan (Carla), Star (Cricket - the dog), and Robert Taylor (on the screen for less than 5 minutes) as the stars but James Caviezel as "rest of cast". After watching the movie I can see why Caviezel wouldn't even want to be credited, let alone listed as a star.
What can I say about this movie other than I loved it because it was so unbelievably terrible! Caviezel plays Peter, or as pronounced with an Australian accent - PETAH - an American sleezeball (ie. wears douche bag sunglasses, has highlights and has one to many butttons unbuttoned on his shirt) married to Australian Carla who is a typical annoying, frigid wife. PETAH's true love in life is his border collie Cricket who his wife surprise surprise can't stand. That basically summarizes them in detail.
PETAH and Carla's marriage is in serious trouble so what better to repair those deep seeded wounds than a weekend in the fly infested Australian outback? After a long night of driving PETAH stops at a bar on the way where the patrons and bartender of course never heard of the beach. PETAH confident in himself, ventures onward. The couple has trouble finding the beach in the darkness and spend the night in their car. However, they awake the next morning and ALAS they are at the beach, who knew? Friends who were supposed to meet them never make it to the beach which is just as well because I couldn't handle anymore of these expertly crafted characters.
The beach is beautiful and secluded, and PETAH's attempt to get some action out of Carla fails miserably but we don't know why...a secret twist maybe?
At some point there is a rotten chicken, a rifle and a spear gun introduced to the mix.
The couple spends time on the beach swimming and basking in the sun until a large black mass in the water attempts to kill PETAH as he swims. Their solution - kill it! Quickly, this apparently blissful vacation turns to shit. The camp site quickly becomes infested with flies, ants and creepy insects and Carla's solution is to kill everything in sight with a can of death spray - yet another offense against nature. Carla hears noises during the night like a baby crying but of course PETAH doesn't believe her because she's fucking nuts. Then a mysterious baby wallus/seal/manitee/thing washes up on shore on the beach with a plastic bag around its neck - further proof of the destructive force of man. Then the next day the MAMA wallus/seal/manitee/thing shows up dead on the beach shot to death by PETAH's rifle the day earlier. Carla of course freaks out and wants to leave, but PETAH thinks everything is A-OK and wants to stay. He is then attacked by a large bird leaving him covered in really bad ass scrapes for no apparent reason. Speaking of birds, they find an egg on the ground and when Carla smashes it in a moment of anger we find out the big mystery of their relationship! PETAH begins to weep at the smashing of the egg because everything Carla touches turns to death, including the child she conceived with PETAH's friend! Raging and out of her stupid mind Carla tells PETAH that Cricket is dead so he won't look for her because she wants to leave because she is clearly very impatient. Don't worry, we soon discover she lied and Cricket is chilling on the beach with the MAMA dead wallus/seal/manitee/thing which has crawled up the beach even though its guts are hanging and its clearly made of rubber. Carla flees the camp with the couple's car and drives in circles around the camp for hours into the night trying to find the turn off.......
PETAH spends the night with Cricket in the camp, and that's when we hear the line which I think perfectly represents the intellectual level of this movie....The trees are rustling in the wind and making odd noises annoying PETAH and he shouts out, "STUPID TREE," and I believe throws a rock or some shit at the tree. Outraged at his disrespect, the tree falls and barely misses him! MOTHER FUCKING NATURE FIGHTS BACK!!! Then PETAH wakes the next morning to find that the MAMA wallus/seal/manitee/thing he killed has crawled all the way up the beach to his camp and is sitting there.....LOOKING AT HIM!!! He freaks out and runs away from the camp with Cricket, making sure she is with him which is critical to a point I will make shortly. He finds his wife dead against a tree, an arrow in her neck which is supposed to tie into something that happened earlier but who really cares? He then finds a dead family who had also pist off Mother N and felt her fury, drowning the fuckers. Peter gets into the car and after driving very recklessly I must say, finds the road. But listen to this, after all that and making sure Cricket is safe he leaves her in the fucking car with the doors closed! You know how hot the car gets in the sun?! DOUCHE BAG. Anyway, he finds the road and a tractor trailer is approaching on the road, just at that moment a bird flies into the cabin of the truck and distracts the driver who then proceeds to drive right over PETAH. He is run over and upper body sort of explodes on the bumper of the truck. It was so funny and at that point all you wanted to do was see him die violently. The truck driver leaves him in the road which I think is fitting.
SO having said all that, I give this movie:
For being stupid, making no sense, making me laugh when it wasn't supposed to, and James Caviezel's highlights. This movie was a true gem and I have very much enjoyed ripping it apart for you. I don't think you really need to see it, just look at the poster above and you have seen all you need to.
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